I Quit

Yupp. Sure damn did. Isn't it lovely?! Yeah, I think so too. Let's just say that; the issues that I already have with my stomach, twirling around on a machine that drives hella fast while going up 40 to 50 ft. high (at the same damn time) was not good for my head. That's called motion sickness folks. Before my walk-out, I went to HR to tell them I cannot perform my job because I got sick three times in a row while working three days. My very first day, I got sick as well but I was able to make it through the whole ten hours. It was rough for me. But honestly, I feel quite pathetic. (sigh) I just couldn't help it. I gave it a try, I tried to keep going to give myself more time to adjust to my new schedule AND to accept and make peace with my new life, and my body just couldn't hang.

You guys don't know how shitty I feel about it. I keep thinking about it, and I'm trying to get over the fact that I actually walked away from another thing. That's not what I wanted to do. I know on The Why Run?! Podcast, I've said countless times that I'm a quitter, I never have regrets about quitting, and I have no problem quitting and walking away. But this time feels different somehow. Maybe it was because, I thought working heavy machinery would be right up my alley like it always HAS been. I couldn't believe how sick I got. I've worked forklifts before in the past and have never had any issues. When I would sit in the break room, I wondered what the hell was wrong. And the only conclusion I came up with was, I'm not young anymore.

Am I reaching?! I'm unsure. I could blame my age, or my health. At this point, both of them is a go. For the past few years, I had to accept the fact that my health isn't as tip-top as it used to be. Yes, I'm twenty-seven talking like I'm eighty. Shit, might as well be with all the complications I have just waking up in the morning. I'm sore, stiff, tired, sick, confused, and all the things. Shouldn't it be more like cart wheeling out of the bed, slipping on my shoes?! Instead, I'm struggling and trying to keep my balance once I step foot on the floor, to not being able to lift my foot onto my knee to slip on my socks?!

Okay so, now I'm sitting here sad. Thanks a lot (laughs). ANYHOW!! I feel bad about walking away but, being sick as I'm trying to do my job is not worth it. I tried asking for: a leave of absence, an accommodation, to relocate to a different facility, ect., but all that requires a lot of unpaid time off. At the end of all day, I asked myself 'What's the point?!' If that's a poor attitude to have, I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I made the choice to not wait and leave even though they wanted to work with me. But at the same time, they didn't even give a shit about the doctors note I had when I had surgery on my left foot. So, am I allowed to say we both fucked up?! I can take part of the blame; being a quitter and all (smiles). Now that we're in three paragraphs now of me being a child over-telling and overly-explaining why I left. Let me move on.

So, what's next?! Nothing... (laughs). I guess, the same things I was doing before. Going back to painting, creating, getting back to the family business of hand-painting The Hopi Kachina Ornaments + Deliveries, ect. All the ideas I had before when it came to furniture making, paintings; I still have yet to put into motion. I hope you all will be up for seeing it. Sometime today or tomorrow, I will be cutting cardboard on the picture frame mat cutter and do some paintings on there. I was unable to do it a few entries back but, I feel confident do proceed with them now.

When it comes to podcasting, I'm organizing to take The Why Run?! Podcast on a different route. The Re-up Podcast is still going to remain the same because I've pretty much nestled deliveries in with that one so, that's going to stay where it's at. I still need to get on with The ExMeOut Podcast but, I'm still unsure about that one as far as topics go. I have another podcast series under The Re-up Podcast called "Kickin' It Outside Detention." It is of me going through my adventures of getting my GED. I called it Kickin' It Outside Detention. As a teenager, I got a lot of answers wrong, and when I get a lot of answers wrong, they make you stay after school with detention students. And every time I had to stay after school, I was always kickin' it with all my other friends outside detention (smiles). Man,, good times-good times (laughs).

(smile) Alright well, let me get off of here and do something with myself. I'm still sleepy and tired from the days that I had to sleep during the day so I could be up all night working in the warehouse. I'm trying to get back to my normal days. I luv u all, and thank you so much for reading my content. Also, thank you for your continued support, and I can't wait for you all to see what I got going on next. Talk with you all again soon. Peace. ♥Audie

My first Block

Yes. Literally, that is what I'm asking. So, I start my new job next week on Thursday, October 27th, 2022. I start my Math class on Tuesday, October 25th, 2022... annnnd... I start Amazon Flex tomorrow. (gasp) So yesterday, I received an email pertaining to the application I submitted for it months ago. I did everything they were requiring me to do so, I thought I was done with the application process. As Dr. Seuss's The Grinch would say "Wrong-o." (nervous smile). The email was wanting a little bit more info. So, I signed into the app that I still had in my phone, and saw that they were ready to move forward with having me onboard.

I did everything they wanted me to do; which included watching videos, submitting this, submitting that, and then the whole, wait until your background check comes back to us. And guess what?! Today, they said everything came back sound. Everything got approved in the afternoon. Ever since I got approved, I kept checking the app wondering if I should "pick up a block." You guys. I am so scared.

Why be scared when that's all I do delivering food, shop and deliver groceries. I even went as far as picking up items from Home Depot and delivering them. I even did Walmart Spark for the first time the other day. I even had My Mom with me while I did it. That was a time. I took screen recordings, even shot pics, ect.; so there will be a video coming out on that + a podcast of my first Walmart Spark delivery. And let me tell you, I loved it. But I refrained myself from doing anymore Walmart Spark deliveries because they never got back to me about my payment information. So, until I receive that information and my money, I will wait to continue to do more Walmart Spark.

So I'm guessing that if I enjoyed Walmart Spark that much, there should be no problems of me doing Amazon Flex. You know, I always want to do my best. I never want to fuck up. That is always going to be my biggest worry. I mean, what are they going to do other than deactivate me for being too damn slow?! I guess I just don't want to disappoint anyone when doing a job. Because whatever job I do, I always do my best. And if I'm not the best at it, I automatically think that my best at doing things, just suck. I know that is far from the truth but, I just don't want to let myself down.

Well, I already scheduled my first block with Amazon Flex. I will for sure be podcasting; I'm unsure if I will make a video out of it. Who wants to look back on their fuck up's?! (laughs) I just don't want to fumble. Man, a lot going on this week. I should really just enjoy the ride. I luv u all. Peace. ♥Audie

Doing too much

What's goin' on everyone?! So (dot dot dots) I am back in the city. I moved back to the city annnnd (more dot dot dots), I started my orientation today online. Let me tell you, it was a bit of a struggle trying to get started. It was a bunch of "Click this, click that, sign in here, sign up there. If that doesn't work, go here, go there." How do you expect businesses and teachers to teach you how to do something when nothing is written out properly, nothing is detailed, nothing is in order. Gosh. This morning was crazy. But I went (got) through it, and now all I have to do is wait another three days to show up to the school, on campus, in person, to pick up my school book. (smh) I thought everything was online. SO frustrating.

So, let me touch basis on the title of this entry. "Doing too much." Yes. Isn't that what's happening?! Let me say that, I got a tone of ideas. I have a ton of drive. I feel like I have all the motivation to just do stuff. Today, I came up with a brand new series to The Re-up Podcast. And that is... "Kickin' It Outside Detention." (smiles) I don't know about you guys but, I honestly like the name. Of course, it pertains to the days, weeks, months; even more months that will add onto the moths that I am required to do now; if I don't pass the first time. So, Kickin' It Outside Detention series will only held during the duration of my schooling. I've already recorded episode one this morning before, and after my class. It was... weird.

The title of this blog explains exactly how I felt. Am I doing too much?! I feel myself, that I am. And the way that I'm writing it out, is oddly how bad it sounds. However, it is a really good addition to The Re-up Podcast, because The Re-up is based on 'doing more' with yourself, and with your life. Although, it is all only about delivering at the moment. But of course, initially; I want people to listen to The Re-up and get some kind of entertainment from it, as well as information and the will do just do anything you want to try. And I think The Re-up presents that.

But then again, that title of this entry arises. I don't ever want to feel like I'm doing too much. Or the worst. Doing 'the pointless.' Nobody wants to feel like they're focusing on things that they feel might not work out. I don't want to feel like it's wasted extra brain waves, extra concentration; to just blow up right in your face when you hardly even tried to make a dent in it. That's the worst fucking place to be. Especially for me.

Maybe I still feel this way right now because, it's currently 8:26 p.m., and I'm currently waiting for my Nashie to be delivered. I'm hungry, I'm tired. I just got done binging on a new season of one of my favorite shows from Amazon Prime; and all I wanna do is stuff my face and go right to bed. (sigh) And as I'm writing this, I am wondering if I should instead, get my ass out there and do a few deliveries because I really didn't do shit all day but stress about virtually attending my class, signing up for this, signing up for that, recording my very first episode to "Kickin' It Outside Detention", trying to edit that, PLUS trying to edit episode eighty of The Why Run?! Podcast

- The next day -

The time right now is 2:33 p.m., and I just got home from having delivering and having lunch with My Parents. Last night, after having my Nashie, sitting next to My Mom in the living room, I broke down. There's really no use in explaining to you all right now of what I was crying about. It's always the same shit, right?! When it comes to Life, I wonder how it's supposed to go all the time. I wonder what a Life is supposed to be. Anyone, and everyone can make it how they want it to be. Like one of those fat-asses I watch on youtube. And let me say before I go on. If you're going to go in on me about fat shaming anybody, you obviously haven't seen, and maybe you should see how she treats others. Anyhow.

You make your life how you make it. And so, I feel the same way about the fat-ass who talks shit about recovering addicts, women who have children, men that cause domestic assaults; the list literally goes on, all she does is lie when she turns on the camera and livestreams. She thinks her life is perfectly fine when she sucks down sugars and consumes loads of unhealthy foods, doesn't exercise; not to mention, telling her audience that she doesn't wipe her ass when she pee's or shits ( no lie). But she has been scammed, lied to, cheated on, got STD's from a very violent man openly youtube. And honestly, these two have been reported to youtube numerous of times to be taken off the platform but, youtube still has their channels up to enable to get keep making money, collect Superchats, and allow people to sign up for memberships; which they are abusing that to their benefit as another way to scam people. It's unbelievable.

But I'm saying all that to say this. She enabled all of this to happen. But she is using it as a way to make it okay to be that way because it makes her money. It gives her sustainable income. She will continue to be as dirty, as unhealthy, as mean, as scamming as she wants to. Because a lot of us like to watch a train wreck. I don't like to watch a train wreck. I watch because I'm in disbelief about how nasty and gross a woman can be. How dirty and filthy a woman can be. How people glorify her, how they stand behind her; to I guess make them feel like it's okay for them to life and act like that too. But the question that I always have is; don't that fat-ass get tired?! I mean, to continuing to maintain that kind of lifestyle.

Maybe she's not trying to maintain anything. That's just the way she is. That's just the way she lives. And I'm sitting here like "Gott Damn. That's crazy." She is only a shell. And people who are only shells don't cry. They don't cry like the way I cry. I had to get away. I had to step away from the reaction channels I love that cover this disgusting shit of a person, because I had more questions than answers I was getting. I keep trying to put pieces together of what I witness. I guess that's why I question my own podcast, The Why Run?! Podcast.

During my drive back down to the reservation, I was listening to one of my episodes. I was listening to it just to be sure I got the editing done correctly. Thank goodness I did for two reasons. One, I forgot to edit out a copyrighted music track. And two, I didn't like what I was talking about. I want to thank those who gave all my episodes a listen whether it was during a livestream or you pressed play on podcast platforms. I appreciate you participating in the Q&A on Spotify (smiles). But I really wasn't happy with it. I'm not 100% happy with the majority of The Why Run?! episodes I've done. Why?! Because, I'm literally saying the same things over and over again. It's embarrassing.

Now I can see why I don't grab a whole lot of attention. I know I can't be, and never will be, "a shit show." That's what everyone gets a kick out of. Like the fat-ass. That's a shit show. Maybe I'm just in the wrong community. How can one cover human behavior, and feel the way(s) that I feel?! Yeah. It don't make sense to me either. Perhaps it's time to search for something else. I suppose I'm down. And what I mean is, I'm up to it. I put on, and lead myself on to believe that things are in order inside my head. I know I'm just fucking lying. That explains why I'm so tired, and short tempered. I get adjugated so easily, and just so fed up. I'm so thankful but want to fight someone at the same time.

Someone said in 2019 that I was unstable. Of course, he said it pertaining to something I was talking about in my cast. I looked at him like 'You're really going to call me unstable, while a girl who has a shit job, children, no man, she obsesses over men, who is very childish, who has zero direction in life... she isn't?! Oh yeah, that's right. You think she's not because, you know she is obsessed with you. Okay, now I see how your mind works.' I still feel this way to this day about that dude. But bro,, I'm not that kind of 'unstable.'

This entry is over. I'm going to lay the fuck down, pump the breaks in my head, and try to get today's tasks together. Thank you all so much for reading. No worries about any of this okay?! Your girl just needs some more sleep. I luv u all. Peace. ♥Audie